The Dark Passenger: Chester Bennington Tribute (Linkin Park)

I have always been an empathetic person but never one to mourn over celebrities specially ones I never met in person but Chester was more than a celebrity or a rock star he felt closer to me than that even thought I never had the privilege to meet him in person I always felt connected to him. Its safe to say he will probably be the first and only celebrity I mourn in this lifetime and the only one that has affected me deeply.

I tried so hard, And got so far, But in the end, It doesn't even matter. I had to fall, To lose it all, But in the end..... It doesn't even matter.

I remember when I first heard "In the End" on the radio. I literally fell "musically" in love with Chester's voice as well as Linkin Parks' musical ability. There was something so magnetic when it came to them. The emotion behind every word Chester was signing felt like he was leaving it all out there. No fear no rational just raw emotion that you can feel through the stereo. Every word and scream felt like he was speaking directly to me. As crazy as it may sounds it felt like he was feeling and going through everything I was. If there is such a thing as a musical twin, Chester was mine. I don't know if the right word is musical twin but I think you get what I mean. There was and probably never will be a singer like Chester. There are many artist that make you feel their emotions in their music but Chester made you feel like he was right there with you in the pain and reassuring you that you can make it through anything if you just hold on. To be able to musically be there for someone without having met them was extraordinary almost like having a guardian angel helping you through it all. That's what I will always remember him as.

When they turn down the lights I hear my battle symphony, all the world in front of me. If my armor breaks I'll fuse it back together. Battle symphony please just don't give up on me. My eyes are wide awake for my battle symphony.

Growing up in the Bronx wasn't like growing up in Beverly Hills. Between gang shootouts and fights and color marked territories it was not an ideal place to grow up. My parents always did the best they could in such a circumstance but everyday life had to happen. I have always owed making it out of hood alive and well to my family, friends and Chester. My friends were there 24/7 like my family was and they played a major role in my life and my upbringing. Chester was right along for the ride and he didn't even know it. My friends were LP fans too so I wasn't alone in the need and escape that Chester provided to us. I remember getting home and listening to LP's Meteora and Hybrid Theory like clockwork until I would fall asleep. I had a big old walk man and inside of it was always an LP CD. My brothers never understood this probably still today. It didn't matter if I was having an awesome day or a day were I felt like ending it all, LP was my escape. Even though the songs never changed in these albums it always felt like Chester and Mike were signing for my special occasion. Just like Chester I have always suffered from anxiety, panic attacks and depression. I mean how could you not growing up on a block that one day you say hi to someone and the next day they are gone due to some gang rivalry or the famous stray bullet that hit the person that was at the wrong place at the wrong time. Depression always came and went this was mostly during times of losing someone close to me but anxiety and panic attacks were a daily thing. As much as I would love to say I learned to control it myself I cant sit here and say that because music has and always will be my outlet. My music then and still now for such moments is LP. Each album had a song that went with anything that could be happening in my life. Therefore I never felt like I was alone because LP was there. I learned of LP when they first made appearance in 2000 I was 12 years young at the time and I have never stopped listening ever since. Even today I can always revert back and find a song to detail my emotion. Chester always showed everything through his music he never left anything hidden. He was as transparent with us as he could be and for that I will always be thankful. It made him the extraordinary artist he will always be remembered as.

Who cares if one more light goes out in a sky of a million stars, it flickers flicker. Who cares when someones time runs out if a moment is all we are. We're quicker, quicker. Who cares if one more light goes out....well I do.

At that age I needed rawness and acceptance of what I was going through and I needed to hear it from someone close to me in age. We respect our elders and love our parents but it always feels that because of the age difference they couldn't possibly understand what we are going through. Chester was 23 at the time and he felt like one of us. He felt like the "experienced older brother" I remember hearing about his past and how he had anxiety, depression and suicidal tendencies but he was finding a way to deal with it and he wanted us to do the same. This was a relief because he didn't hind behind the stigma but he didn't memorialize it either, he accepted it and wanted us to do the same and just deal with it head on with no shame. That is exactly what you needed at that age and that's what Ches and LP provided. Im sure when I say this a lot of fans will agree: Chester SAVED us through his MUSIC but most IMPORTANTLY through his soul. Just being who he was and not putting up a façade. When I was younger I never had a chance to see LP in concert. It was just something that wasn't possible. When I got older LP broke up and I lost hope. This year when the One More Light Album came out I knew it was my chance and I swore I would save up money and go see him live. He deserved the support and I deserved to experience his music live where I can feel every word.

I find the answers aren't so clear. Wish I could find a way to disappear. All these thoughts they make no sense. I find bliss in ignorance. Nothing seems to go away. Over and over again.Just like before..

On July 20th I got an alert on my phone that made my heart drop. It stated that Chester had passed away. It hurt like I lost a family member but what brought tears to my eyes instantaneously was the words I would find everywhere I searched his name and that was his cause of death: suicide. When I first read of his death without the cause of death I thought automatically his demons must have caught up to him but he was stronger than that so it must be something else. Car accident, pedestrian accident something that doesn't involve hurting himself. But reading suicide, nothing hurt more than that. If he had passed by natural causes it would hurt but I wouldn't feel so lost like I felt in that moment. Reading those words put my head in a spin. My first thought was why couldn't I be there for him when he needed me like he has always been there for me. I would have talked his ear off just to keep him off the ledge. Anything to let him know that we needed him alive. Most would find this silly and even stupid and I cant blame them for feeling that way because leaving my lips it does sound crazy but that feeling and those words are as serious as a heart attack. I meant it and I still do. No one knows nor understands what Chester did for me nor what he meant to me. They may share the same ideas but it will never be the same. Only god and I know how many times he kept me off the ledge. If someone can do that for you, you never forget them. Countless days, years he was there for me saving me and he wont ever stop doing that for me because even after his death I still have the legacy he left behind, his music. To know that he saved me and I couldn't return the favor puts a hole in my soul I wont ever repair.

I've got a long way to go and a long memory. I've been searching for an answer, always just out of reach. I've been searching for the courage to face my enemies.

Chester taught me to fight my demons. To keep them locked away. To show them I am in control and not them. I have been doing that since the age of 12 and I am 30 now. I have been fighting the relentless fight for 18 years because he taught me how. It breaks me in half to know his demons beat him. They got the best of him and he lost the war. Its almost a sick poetic tragedy. He saved so many and taught others how to deal but we couldn't save him. It is the most hurtful cliché Ill ever know. The song that most reflects this is Nobody can Save me. Chester starts by saying:

"Im dancing with my demons, Im hanging off the edge, storm clouds gathered beneath me waves break above my head. Head first hallucinations I want to fall wide awake now, You tell me its alright, tell me Im forgiven tonight but nobody can save me now, Im holding up a light chasing out the darkness inside cuz nobody can save me."

I think this explains it the best although Ches had so many "goodbye" songs, this is what a lot of people feel when they are lost inside their heads. I feel him in this song, I don't know if you understand this but this is a song that can clearly show how he must have felt in his head that day and unfortunately no one could have saved him. That same day I felt that I needed something that I could carry with me to present what he meant to me. I thought a tattoo would be ideal but I don't have a single one on my body and its honestly not my style so instead I got a shirt made with my favorite picture of him. In the picture below you will see Chester screaming his lungs out expressing his emotions as best as he knew how. I wish I could wear it daily. But I carry him in every scar he helped eliminate and every piece of skin I didn't cut because he sang my demons away. I will forever owe him my life because when no one else could help me, when I was lost he helped me. He was and always will be my guardian angel. I am not afraid to admit that.

When my time comes forget the wrong that I've done help me leave behind some reason to be missed. Dont resent me and when your feeling empty, keep me in your memory, leave out all the rest.

Ches will always leave a legacy behind. His legacy dates back to 18 years ago, no one will be able to reach your level EVER. There will only be one Chester in this lifetime and any other one. You will always be missed and by millions. I will never resent you and I can only speak for myself but I don't think other do. I will never remember you for allowing the demons to win but for helping me day in and day out defeat mine. I will always remember the smiling Chester. Your smile lit up millions of people to include me.If you could read this Ches I want you to know: You should have stayed, you should never have let your demons win because you had them in the palm of your hand all these years. I will never resent you for it because I was in your situation many times I didn't lose the fight but you had been at war for far longer than me. I feel right knowing you are hurting no longer and those demons can't touch you any longer. I will continue my fight with your help like always.

I don't like my mind right now stacking up problems that is so unnecessary. Wish that I could slow things down. I want to let go but there is comfort in the panic. And I drive myself crazy thinking everything is about me. Yea I drive myself crazy because I can't escape the gravity. Im holding on. Why is everything so HEAVY. Holding on to so much more than I can carry. I keep dragging around whats bringing me down if I just let go ill be set free. Holding on why is everything so HEAVY. MAY YOU REST IN PARADISE CHESTER. YOU WILL FOREVER BE MISSED.